Control

Sometimes we can all be a little controlling. In fact, control is what boundaries are all about. Boundaries are us basically saying that we need control in a certain area. In this particular area, we are unwilling to give it up or have much room for negotiation.

Areas where we feel we need some level of control seem to come from where we feel especially vulnerable, insecure, and/or afraid. The need for control then is to keep these feelings in check. It can be overwhelming if we feel like we have no control over such difficult feelings.

How do we try to keep feelings like insecurity, fear, or whatever it may be under control? We attempt to do this by controlling what people are and are not allowed to do to us and even around us. If we know something they do or say will trigger any feeling we don't want to deal with, we try to stop this by setting a boundary in that area. We say no to whatever the triggering behavior is, but we say no to protect ourselves. We do not say no to try to punish someone. And even though we know we are being controlling, we aren't trying to take away anyone's freedom. The real objective is to protect ourselves. Yet in order to do this, we do control someone else's behavior. We need them to behave or not behave in a certain way to help us feel safe and secure.

Is this wrong? I think this is something we need to be very careful with. Nobody likes to be controlled. Yet at the same time we do all have boundaries, and boundaries are a good thing. I think a lot of what makes this healthy or not depends on how we go about setting them. Even though the nature of what a boundary is involves control, it is important to not try to force someone to accept our boundaries. We can state what our boundaries are. We can ask people to respect them. But that really is as far as we can go. People have the right to freely accept them or not. If they choose not to, it becomes wrong and can even become abusive to try to force someone to in some way. It is important to accept how someone responds.

Also, it is really important to ask ourselves if what we are trying to control is harming another person in any way? If the answer to this is yes that is a big red flag. Our boundaries should not harm others, only protect ourselves.

Of course this can get tricky in a relationship, especially if it's a close relationship. But ultimately, all we can do is put our needs out there and ask for others to respect them. If they cannot or will not do this, our options are to try to find compromise or even leave a relationship rather than trying to force behavior on someone.

On the other side of this, I believe it is easier to accept someone's boundaries when we think about the feelings that may be underneath them. If we think about a person feeling vulnerable in an area, it is easier to have compassion for them than it is if we just think they are trying to control us. And if we have compassion, it is easier to comply or compromise with someone knowing everyone needs to feel safe and secure.